What's Your Safe Place?

I haven't blogged all week.  The reason has been twofold.  The first reason is that my life has been more or less pretty mundane this week but the other reason is that the last few days have been a little darker emotionally for me.  My husband's absences are always a roller coaster ride for me emotionally but I thought I had been doing pretty well.  He has been gone for just about a month now and until now I had been feeling pretty strong and independent.  As you can probably tell from my previous posts, I was proud of what I had accomplished sans hubby and I was confident that I was copping with his absence well.  In the last few days though, I have been keenly feeling his loss.

I think everyone has a safe place.  A place where they feel completely at ease no matter what is going on in your life.  My safe place is in my husband's arms.  There is something about being enveloped in his arms that makes everything else OK.  When he puts his arms around me and pulls me close I know he loves me and I know that everything will work out because we are together and that is the most important thing.  I miss this the most.  Yes, we have skype and AIM video chat and we can play games together online but it isn't the same.  Those who are not army wives, including my own mother don't seem to be able to understand what "the big deal is."  Don't get me wrong, I cherish our video chats and being able to play games with hubby online but I miss just BEING together.  I miss his touch.  I miss being physically close and most of all being in his arms in my safe place.  When hubby is home some of my favorite nights are the ones where we literally do nothing but enjoy each other's company and watch TV or a movie.  When he is gone I find it hard to get out of my own head sometimes.  It's hard for me to truly relax and stop worrying about life.  I am a chronic worrier.  I freely admit it and my obsession becomes ten times worse when hubby and I are separated.

Even before Hubby joined the army we had a long distance relationship.  He graduated college a year before me and moved home while I stayed at the college we both attended.  It was hard.  REALLY hard but we fought for our relationship and made it work.  Our love is one that I will fight for any day of the week.  I don't know what I would do without him.  He truly makes me happy.  The long distance relationship taught us that our love was strong and could survive long separations, something that has proved essential as a military couple.  It also made us really appreciate the time that we DO have together.  When we were married a little over a year ago I knew full well that we would be separated again.  I just didn't know how soon.  I was determined to make every day count because I knew that they would be numbered.  In some ways I think that knowing that we have limited days makes us appreciate each other in ways that some couples take for granted.  But this doesn't make our separation any easier.  I feel like a big part of me is missing. 

In a way I am disappointed in myself.  Disappointed that I only held it together for a month.  In the back of my mind I knew that these dark, lonely thoughts would find me sooner or later but I was doing so well that I was confident that I could overcome them.  I know that I will be fine.  No I am not "depressed" but I am really missing my husband.  I know that he would be by my side if he could but it doesn't make it easier.  I'm taking one day at a time but some days it feels so hard to pull myself out of the dark rut of loneliness.  Last deployment I at least had my cat to cuddle but she passed away shortly after I moved and all I have this time is our beta fish Fishy (yes I know his name is not very creative.)  He is pretty to look at but not much of a comfort when I am missing my cuddle buddy.  It seems like every station on TV is playing a romantic movie or a commercial for some sex drug and seeing all of those happy people snuggled in their lovers' arms twists a knot deep inside my heart and drags me deeper into my self created hole of loneliness. 

Tonight the trigger for my loneliness pangs was a stubborn lid on a jar that it took me forever to pry off.  "Oh hubby!" I thought to myself "I miss you so badly!" 

So for what it's worth, to those of you who may be reading this.  Don't ever take your husband for granted.  Even when he is being completely unreasonable and driving you crazy, remind yourself that you would miss that if he was gone.  I miss you with all of my heart Hubby.